When I'm Happy

Introduction

    There's a tendency to journal or write blogs only when I'm feeling particularly shitty. Some tragic event must happen to me for me to go "Oh yeah! I knew writing about my feelings is cathartic!" 

    This time I hope to balance things out more. This has been a great week for my friendships, my self-image, and the dissonance I felt. It's all got me feeling jiggy and warm inside!

    There should be some semblance of a memory of a state I have for me to point to and say "I felt this unfamiliar happiness then. I want to feel like that for the rest of my life." This hopes to be that.

    This previous year and a half have been very different. I learned a smidge about a lot of things: about everything from how people think to analysis of media to politics and rhetoric. I fear I'm not ready to share anything about those yet. So I'm going to talk about the few things that are improvements to my mental schemas I'd like to carry with myself into the future from here.

Affection is Great 

     I saw something a while ago that altered my perception of things like affection and love completely: A French Lesbian Romance film. If you're reading this, you probably already know what I'm talking about — it's Portrait of a Lady on Fire.

    My parents are not expressive of their "love" each other. They never were. Plus being told to be weary of your affection, sexuality, and desires from early childhood (Growing up Male) mix together to form a very damaged relationship with those ideas.

    Love and Affection were things I felt and knew when I felt but showing other people even when I liked them was something I had no experience or understand of. It affected my friendships a great deal. I didn't know how to hug someone. In fact, the idea made me physically uncomfortable and tense up. 

     It was not as if I did not want to hug someone, it was just there was a thick layer of fog between that feeling and that action. It felt like seeing a picturesque scene but all I have is a shitty Android phone camera. It felt like having a great idea for something creative but lacking the skills to execute it.

     The road to fixing all of that began with films of all things. I saw what Love looks like through an empirical dramatized lens of a movie. It made my brain and heart go "This is what turning what's in here into what's out there looks like." 

    Kissing your partner, Hugging your friends, Snuggling up together when you're all tired, and sitting close to the people you appreciate are things I'm very new to.

    Fortunately, with the people I've befriended and attracted, I think I have plenty safe space to experiment.

Friends aren't Far

    This part is somewhat connected to the previous one. I mean, all the things I've faced are all sort of "connected."

    Meeting and speaking to people you think you'd get along with is one of the greatest and underrated experiences there is.

    Since middle school, I've been good at making new friends but keeping and kindling friendships was not among any of my expertise.

 I've never been very close to any of the friends I've had. There were a lot of things about myself I was always too scared to share. For the most part, keeping to myself was a safety thing than a trust thing.

    This year was different. I met people I had never even imagined existing in a place like this. I've been having a great time with them. They are my best friends. They are here to stay. 

    They are my friends. 

    They are my friends.

    They are my friends. 

    They are my friends. 

There's too much I don't Know

     When I started just saying "Hi!" to random people and dropped that malicious sense of judgement that led to my social anxieties and troubles, I met lots of people much smarter than I am.

    I met people whom I couldn't understand even a word of. It was overwhelming.

    I've always seen myself as an "Engineer." I had no interest in media, art, literature, cooking, fashion, music, culture, politics, and what have you! 

    It was not that I had tried all of these things one after the other and come to conclusion that there were only a handful of things I found interesting and others boring. I literally didn't even know "Fashion" was a thing I could do.

    Growing up in a middle class household where infantilization promoted "Ask an Adult" and discouraged and villainized "Figure it out for Yourself" led me to add two ideas into my "decision making" that I regret:

1. What I do must make money or it is useless
2. Mother knows best because I love her

    Gruelingly, I spent the next few years slowly and successfully pulling these out of my brain. It was not overnight like the film thing (This even led to the film thing!).

    After a long time I've come to the conclusion that there's no human with just science. Art in every form is equally if not more important. I enjoy the human experience and want to learn more about it. I want to understand others. I want to create art I am proud of. 

Conclusion

    I want this stupid little blog to serve as a very primitive foundation for the kinds of things that interest me and what I want from my art.

    From a more personal side, I want to look at this blog post twenty years from now and think "Wow...drunk-cuddling with friends for the first time was life changing." 

    I could talk about a lot of things right now — like how watching Superman 2025 (a very "Hopecore" movie in my eyes) and adopting some ecosocialist rhetoric happened literally days before I could properly see the beauty and magnificence behind my fellow human's eyes — but I think some conversations are just for myself.    

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Florence & Interactive Narrative Design

While researching for this blog, I learned about the allegations against the lead developer Ken Wong of abusing his fellow staff members. I, sadly, only found out about this after buying the game. He should be condemned for his actions and face legal consequences. ^[source]

    Florence (2018) is a game published by Annapurna Interactive and released on February 14th, 2018.

 

    The game follows our protagonist, a 25-year-old “Florence Yeoh” and the experience of her first romantic relationship. The game employs internal focalization for its narrative. Events are viewed through the perspective of Florence. The game is designed around a linear narrative, with choices made by the player not affecting the outcome of the main narrative. 

    The story is split into 6 acts, which are further divided into 20 chapters. Diegetic UI is used throughout the course of the story to build a relationship between the player and the characters of the story. This relies on interactive fiction as the medium though which the story is told. This medium allows the player to really feel the mundanity of everyday life from the perspective of a lonesome adult, to the melancholy of a romantic relationship slowly eroding.

    The game features short minigames that are designed to be played using a touchscreen. Some moments playing with a mouse and keyboard are awkward. However, the design and feel of these minigames in relation to the themes the game is trying to convey at points in the plot is immaculate. The game only uses words when Florence must speak to her Asian mother or small notes made on Polaroids.

    The life of Florence at the beginning of the game features a monochromatic color scheme, trying to show the player that Florence's daily routine is monotonous and boring. Each day begins with her alarm clock ringing at 7:00 AM and the player having to turn it off several times, only for Florence to stay in her bed till 7:30 AM. Afterward the player must brush her teeth. By focusing on such mundane elements of everyday life, the player is shown that this is about has exciting as Florence's life gets.

    In the next chapter, Florence is walking back home from work while listening to music on her headphones and looking at posts on social media. The player having to chose what post to like or repost. Suddenly, her phone runs out of battery, and she follows and musical trail coming from a Cello played by a stranger in a public area.

    The event brings color to Florence's life. The next chapter called “Crash” follows Florence as the crashes her bike while riding it in the city while staring at the same stranger who is walking into a store. The stranger helps Florence off the ground and they begin talking. The conversation ending with Krish giving Florence his phone number.

    The “speech” section of the game has easily the best example of great narrative design. Conversations are made through doing puzzles. At the start of their first date, the puzzles are long, difficult, and awkward. However, with each date they go on, the puzzles become easier and faster to do, showing that Florence is able to better convey herself and feels more comfortable with Krish. The hand drawn art and Florence's blushing face in the portraits match your swift puzzle solving below, conveying to the player — without words — that Florence is able to expressive herself more comfortably now.

    The “closeness” of the couple is also beautifully done with a “moving in” section. Krish packs his things and brings them to Florence's home. It is the player's job to decide what things Florence has that need to be put into storage because you are given limited shelf space. The chapter ends by placing Krish's toothbrush next to yours in the bathroom. Themes of selflessness and compassion, which are crucial in any long-term romantic relationship, are laid out elegantly.

    Mechanical familiarity is weaponized for the narrative throughout the game to show changes in the relationship: serious arguments in the relationship are done similarly to the speech. During the date sections, the puzzle peaces have a generic puzzle shape (with knobs and blanks) but when they fight the puzzle pieces are jagged and sharp with a red tint illustrating their hostility and snappy replies. The player must arrange their puzzle faster than Krish to “win” the argument. As a player, you are able to feel the dynamic shift. Arguments end with them embracing as they mend the rift between them.

    After a time skip of one year, the couple begins to drift apart (ouch). The monochromatic theme from the start of the game, emblematic of monotony and apathy, is contrasted to the colorful start of the relationship, telling the player that they have grown apart. Why this happened is never answered.

    The final sections of the game involve rearranging torn photos of the couple embracing as the pieces drift apart from each other. The section ends with arranging a puzzle piece of them lying in bed together:

     The game builds a very strong relationship with puzzle pieces despite its short runtime, and this scene acts as an emotional gut punch that, without a single word, illustrates the disconnect in their relationship. The pieces do not fit and there's nothing they can do. 

    The end of the chapter is with Florence walking through snow with Krish walking next to her. Florence is walking much faster than Krish and the player can click to temporarily stop so that Krish may catch up, but that only delays the inevitable. Florence slowly walks past Krish, and he disappears into the background. Florence closes her eyes in pain, but she can not stop.

    I could not help but feel like Krish in this scene while understanding the pain Florence is going through, and it made me cry. 

        The use of the Cello and Piano in the music as leitmotifs is especially prominent. The cello is the instrument Krish plays and is what draws Florence to him. It plays whenever Florence is with Krish or thinking about him. The piano is used to signify Florence during arguments, and the incredible scores really make it sound like the two instruments are having a heated argument. Near the end of the game, Krish is attempting to play again, but it feels stressful and unpleasant, juxtaposed by the beautiful, somber calm at the beginning of their story. The final time the Cello is heard is much later after the relationship is over and Florence finds a picture of Krish and her together. 

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