T

    Pick for a second, an arbitrarily small unit of time like the second. How much can you do in one second? What does your body do in one second if you do not consider involuntary tasks to be your doing? What can two people do in one second? What can eight billion people do in one second? What can more than eight billion people do in two seconds? In a day? In a year? In twenty thousand years? Forget people. What can a near infinite amount of atoms and molecules do in 13 billion years?

    They can do today, right now.

    You stand bare, in front of you is a large jagged structure with medium-large bright-colored spheres dangling off of each branch. Your stomach makes a familiar pain. You are starving. You pick off a sphere, and it is plump and coarse. You, out of necessity, take a bite. It is bitter and hard, but your teeth reach it’s soft and sweet innards. You eat it. You do not know your name. You do not know where the orange tree came from. You do not know the names of the things you see. You do not see anything but the prickly ground you stand on for miles.

    Recently I saw a comment on a YouTube video I saw after playing Dredge. It talked about how Lovecraftian horror is often done very poorly in media. It said that all we really have now is fearing the unknown, and we are never explained it. It used the example of an ant that comes across a microchip and does not fear it because it is new, but for a moment it understands the wires and structures and can never go back because it has realized there is so so so much more to the world than pheromones.

    Regardless of if I agree with this random comment, I thought “Wow! That must be a really difficult kind of media to write! You would have to present a world as absolute and complete, then rip it all away and put you back with a semi-complete knowledge of just how utterly flawed and incomplete your life was. Worst of all, there’s nothing you could do to continue living on that higher level of what-ever.”

    Then it dawned upon me that I had had a very similar and much more personal experience. That this experience this random YouTube comment called “Lovecraftian horror” was something that happens much more often than I thought. Not with technology but with cultures and ideologies and entire lifestyles and worldviews. It is the experience of the apostate, the deserter, and the rebel under tyranny. It is also, I thought, the life of the artist.

    If I were to die in a car crash tomorrow, I do not want the life I live to be one where my last thoughts before nothingness would be “Damn! I really wish I had the time to learn how to make a nice front-end with React and TypeScript; had the time to learn more about H.P. Lovecraft’s terrible mother affected his self-image and writing; had the time to learn about the Spanish conquest of the Aztec Empire(s); had the time to learn about how Isaac Wood's departure affected the Band’s music; had the time to learn about how John Carmack’s work in ID Software in the 1990s influenced the next decades of games to come; had the time to learn about how the goddamn Krebs cycle works.”

    I wish to do these things because I feel like the ant now. My only wish is for more time worrying less about the grades and the schools and university and the food and the money and the time, oh my god, the time. I turned 18 this year! Happy Birthday, me. Time to invest in the S&P 500 like you always wanted to, but oh wait you need to do a million other different other things first!

Read More

being bad at "making" things

    In the Markiplier episode of Chuckle Sandwich, near the end of the podcast, Mark goes into this monologue about his relationship with making things. I just want to cement a manual transcription of it:

 I was about the same age when I had the same thing. I was about 27. I hit my goal. I wanted to be a big YouTuber. I hit it. Then another year goes by and you're like, "Okay. Now what?" I'm not saying it's the same situation, but before I started doing any other kind of project — cause you gotta remember that for me that was still 8 years ago. There were many years after I hit my goal where I was happy that I hit my goal, and then I got progressively sadder because there was no where left to climb. And it took me a very long time to realize that it wasn't that I wanted to make movies, it wasn't that I wanted to make a choose-your-own-adventure. It's that thought back to why I actually started in the first place. And why I actually started was not to be a big YouTuber. It's because everything in my life was out of control, and every single thing that was going on in my life before I started YouTube was out of my control. I had nothing to hold onto. I got laid off my job, I had a terrible relationship, I had my appendix was removed and during that they found a tumor in my adrenal gland — like all these things were out of my control and I felt miserable that I had nothing to show for all the years I had been alive for up until that point. It was like, “If I don't find something, I will never be happy.” and that's why I started YouTube. Even after I hit my goal on YouTube and I had kind of thought about — this is still like 3 years I'm condensing a lot into a very long period of time — But even that started with baby steps like “If I want to make something and take control of my life and do something that I feel is fulfilling, what is that?” So I just did the same thing when I started YouTube. I didn't start with YouTube! I tried a bunch of things. I tried making a comic, programming a game, I tried learning new different languages, I tried y'know making art — I switched majors from engineering to art school to see if it would make a difference. I tried again and again. I started wanting to do Freddie W. stuff and Corridor — didn't work, didn't know how to do any of that and then but with what I do now it started because my brother said hey some people like to watch people play video games, and I was like alright I'll try that, don't think it'll go anywhere. It wasn't like I had this burning passion for reacting and play games — I love playing games and I like doing that stuff. But it was about hey this is something that I can do and at that point I could do nothing so I might as well start here. And then, the same kind of adventure started again when I realized I had hit that goal. Very long time horizons. Lot of time to self discovery, but it's like yeah that's what led me to here. Just constantly trying to find that thing I could hold on to.

    That was probably incoherent as fuck for a multitude of reasons, most of them being my terrible grammar, but woah. The best part of this episode was that that wasn't even the coolest thing he said. This time, I'm not going to quote it directly so I can jog my noggin a little and make some sense, but he says something along the lines of:

    I have sat in a studio dripping with sweat and crying my eyes out in a studio alone for days, but I would go home after that day and go back to the studio the next day. The fact that I had a bad day has nothing to do with my goal, but obviously I can't always ignore it. I believe that this idea needs every ounce of energy I can produce, or it won't be as good as I want it to be. It deserves every ounce of my energy because I know what it's like to have the ability to make stripped away from your being.

    I, until now, have never even thought of that as an approach. I've had months when I sat in front of a computer for 7 hours from morning to evening working on a game, but once it was done, I didn't like it? Being a “smart kid” since you were young leaves you really miserable until you learn that cool stuff takes time and effort to really learn.

    I've always said that hey I may not be the smartest person in the room, but I have confidence in my ability to digest new concepts thrown at me and then using them. In the past few months, though, I've really had that ability put to the test. All that confidence turned into anguish very quickly when I had to face the inevitable: “Hey, maybe this is too much? I'm not having fun anymore.”

    School has also really taken its toll on me. I am not a good student. I hardly study even right before exams, and it shows on every report card. One could say I don't know how to study because I've never needed to, but that's a lie. I'm just terrible at giving tests: I get anxious, stressed out and end up with a migraine right before the exam, which isn't very helpful. It doesn't help that I resent every element of the modern education system, either. But I don't have much time anymore to complain. So what do you do when you don't know what to do?

    I guess my first advice to myself would be that you have nothing concrete you want to work towards in the next month or 6 months or even year. All your plans span over half decades and aren't even really plans, they're just abstract ideas.

    To that, I would say, well, what's the point of an objective that goes on so long? I've had many projects which I've put my heart and soul into only to ditch it the next chance I've gotten because I found something new. Why should I spend so much time and energy into something when I don't even know if I can do something with what I learn? Why should I waste my time?

    And finally, it's to THAT paragraph that Markiplier talks to: Please love what you do or find something you love to do.

    I think I've only realized it now, but it'll take time to learn to not run in the face of effort when I'm trying something new. Recently, I've been trying to learn Rust, and it has been a new fucking experience. This is easily like the third time I've tried to get into it, but the difference is that before I would come across a topic and go: “Oh I don't know what this is and don't want to read the paragraph carefully explaining it all, so I'll just go back to python.” I am happy to say that I am now on chapter 9.2 of the Rust book.

    This post is much more train of thought than previous ones (I don't know, the other ones I had like planned to write. With this one, I just sat down and thought: "I must write something"), but that's mostly because I just wanted to give myself a real opportunity to talk about stuff I am rarely comfortable talking to people about in a way that doesn't sound like I read too much. Also, I really like Chuckle Sandwich.

Read More

new smaller plans

     Welcome back everyone! Apologies for being gone for sooo long :3

    I was working on a bunch of long ass blogs and then realized it was all for nothing, because I didn’t know enough about the topic to be able to write something worth writing. And so I started reading about all of it. That didn’t help either because the research for “The game development of darksouls” is going to take longer than a day! So I kind of needed a break before going back in again.   

    Now, though, I have an idea for the blog and how I want to do stuff in the future. Currently, I just write and do stuff or make stuff whenever I feel like it, which isn’t very productive or helpful or efficient or anything else other than “quick and easy”.

    Through my ~17 years of existence, I’ve come to learn that I enjoy learning things and using that knowledge (by making something or teaching) than anything else I’ve done. And I want this blog to be a testament to that statement. That was the idea before as well, but it didn’t have enough time in the oven for me to actually structure myself around it.

    So what’s going to change? Well, for you, dear reader-you’ll just get a monthly blog where I talk about what I’ve learned and made. And for me? I’m going to be working on ONE thing every month and write a blog post on it.

    I struggle with studying a lot. It’s not because the material isn’t interesting (although I do have many concerns about its usefulness and why this specifically was chosen) or I don’t understand but that I low-key might have ADD (ADHD without the H) and so I get distracted even when I don’t want to, by myself! When I’m working, I’ll have seemingly random thoughts about different fields and projects and rabbit holes to go down. For a normal person, you can just tune that shit out, but for me, it’s just not that simple.

    I just need to have some tangible creative output, so I don’t get depressed and also be able to meet deadlines and stuff for school. I feel like this to-be-tested solution is the beat shot I have.

    Normally, when I want to make something, I just use AI to get a tangible end product out as soon as possible and then never think about it again. But it feels wrong to me even when I’m doing it. Like I’m cheating knowledge? And it isn’t like I’m going to be tested on this or anything, either. It’s for myself, because I find the subject (for example: shader art coding or emulators) interesting.

    But what ends up happening is that with unfinished school work and tests piling up every second along with a lot of stress accumulated from my pretty shit home life, I end up feeling like I need to just have a final product and that’s all that matters.
But it doesn’t. It leaves me with superficial knowledge that is just enough to kill my joy of the subject.

It is the entire process of invention that distills into me a happiness not even the greatest high could.

    And so, with just one thing to work on, I will have more order in my life and be able to manage studying with being a person. And I lived happily ever after. THE END. See you all at the end of the month with the first blog post that is about what I learned and made!! I’m excited.

Read More

opinions on a level subjects

    Compared to other education systems like the IB system, the A/O levels is much more test based than skill based. For example, comparing A-level physics and IB physics (High Level) shows me the following differences between the two course syllabus: 

    A level physics has no choice for "addition" practical studies in the fields of engineering, astrophysics, etc. and it has no requirement for an internally graded "investigation and write-up of 6 to 12 pages" (whatever that means). The syllabus for IB physics is also a lot broader and in lesser detail than A level physics, which has a few things it goes into rigorous detail in. The amount of information you need to absorb and retain in A level physics is also much higher. Generally, the IB physics stuff is also more interdisciplinary.

    I'm not an IB student or anything, so that's just what I know from looking up stuff and reading PDFs.

Anyways!

    People who are just starting A level are asking me a lot about what subjects to chose and what not to go anywhere near. I'm not a business student or anything, so I can't explain what that's like just yet. I'll try and explain as generally as I can the "why" and "why not" as to what subjects you could pick. But schools have different approaches to subjects, and so do teachers! So take these as guidelines and personal opinion

 

    General Advice

     You have to understand that you're not taking these subjects because you like them or want to study them. You're taking them because you have to give an exam on them that you have to score high in. A lot of these subjects have a lot of weird ass things you have to grasp before you even understand the model of the subject that the syllabus is trying to force down your throat. It's a model that has a mix of "practical", "should know for university", and "can be tested". For this reason, I wouldn't recommend taking the subject because it does unironically ruin the fun of the subject for a lot of people, including myself. Doing past papers makes me want to kill myself, and that's what you'll be doing for a majority of the course. You don't need to understand complex stuff, just do enough past papers so that you look like you're competent, and you'll do fine, in school exams at least.

    The Cambridge syllabus and everything says it doesn't look at it like that, though. You should go "beyond the syllabus" according to them, having 2 years to cover something as detailed and intricate as Chemistry or Physics or Biology totally works out!

1. Chemistry

    Generally, chemistry is one of those "don't pick it unless you wanna kill yourself" type of subjects. I took chemistry for about a week before I decided to drop the subject at the start of my A1. I will explain this choice, I love chemistry. My teacher was really cool too. Same goes for O level chemistry. But like I said before, managing so many difficult subjects while also wanting to pursue things to find interesting in general is much harder than it looks. I dropped chemistry because I wanted to be more social and have hobbies I wanted to work on.

1. Physics

       I love physics as well, generally. A level physics makes me want to kill myself as well, but for something like a mechatronics degree, most universities want you to have taken physics. I've exclusively studied from the book. I don't use notes. I don't like my teacher. Recently, I finally started raw dogging the subject, and I'm kinda(?) enjoying it so far.

2. Biology

       Biology is one of the very few subjects the A level course does justice to a pretty good extent. The course is basically a deeper dive into the topics covered in O level. But the problem is that most schools don't let you take the subject unless you plan on going into medical. PLUS you'll struggle to understand a lot of concepts in the subject without something like chemistry.
   

3. Math

       Math remains math. I would recommend it if you like math as a subject and generally want to do something in the future that needs it. It requires a lot of brain power and thinking during tests and practicing questions relatively frequently, but that's about it.
   
   

   Humanities

       Generally, Psychology, Global Perspectives, Media Studies and Politics are more preferred subjects than Literature, Sociology, Environmental Management, Law, Art and Design, and History by students.

       The teachers of a humanities subject, for me, matters much more than a science related subject.
   

       World History, Literature and Law are really time-consuming subjects that I wouldn't recommend unless it's like "your thing".

       Sociology is not the same as Psychology. Both of them have their ratta and thinking sections but Sociology has way more ratta than the other.

       The exam criteria for Art and Design is really weird. No one in our school's history has ever gotten above a B in Arts!! But if you like the subject, that shouldn't matter to you.
   

   
   

     

Read More

raspberry pi adventures ep 1

     So! The Raspberry Pi 4B. 2GB of memory, ARMv6 CPU, GPIO pins, Ethernet, USB 3 and 2, MicroHDMI port, and so much other stuff I haven't even gotten the chance to look into yet.

    I had a MicroSD Card sitting unused in my Nintendo Switch that no one uses anymore!! So I took it out and imaged the Raspberry Pi 64-bit OS on it immediately, but I couldn't figure out how to set up Wi-Fi and SSH into it, which lead to a lot of anguish and frustration.

    I realized that to actually do anything with this, I would need to use an actual keyboard and mouse and everything on it to see what the fuck the problem was. The Robotics club somehow has a Pi 4B too, which one of the students owns and uses with a camera module for some AI shenanigans (As the Sir said). I couldn't get the MicroHDMI converter from the club because they only had one, and it was in use! So I decided to take my Pi to school and set it up there and then come back home and do stuff on it.

    I first accidentally took the Pi to school on a Saturday (31/Aug/2024), a day when the Robotics club is closed because Sir doesn't come to school! So I kept it home till Monday came around and went there to update and set everything for my SSH-ing.

    The Robotics Sir hooked it up and let me do whatever I wanted on it which is like duh because it's mine, but I was expecting him to just sudo apt update && sudo apt upgrade it and turn everything off. So I update the system, and it takes ages to install everything and quickly SSH into it using my laptop and close it because I had physics or math class or something.

 

    Anyways, after setting up everything correctly I tried to remote desktop into it but the VNC stuff is really weird to set up because it's way less straightforward than SSH and Remmina said I need some kind of certificate for it which I don't have. So I'll have to figure out how to send files using something in SSH, or just write code on the Pi.

    I keep telling everyone that I'm making a "Miata" with this doohickey, which is true, but it requires knowledge of robotics, soldering, 3d modeling, electronics, Pi programming, Arduino programming, and a bunch of components that I don't have yet!

    Once I have a sexy little design document ready for the "Miata" I'll blog post about what the hell I'm doing :3

Read More

the to-learn list

    Let's say, hypothetically, that I were to apply for an internship at something like Neuralink. The website says I need to submit a cover letter (whatever that is), a resume, and need to give at LEAST 3 examples of “exceptional ability” in the field you're applying in. If I wanna apply for the Software Engineering or Mechanical Engineering, my requirements for these internships are as follows:

Software Engineering:

Required Qualifications: 

• Ability to design and implement simple and elegant software solutions
• Proven track record of shipping software with real-world impact
• Enthusiasm for technology and software
• Understanding of how systems work at a fundamental level

Preferred Qualifications:

• Familiarity with Ruby, Python, and/or JavaScript
• Experience with C/C++/Rust
• Knowledge of container management and orchestration
• Experience with full-stack application frameworks like Ruby on Rails or Django
• Understanding of web development
• Experience in infrastructure development
  

Mechanical Engineering:

Required Qualifications:

• Strong understanding of engineering first principles.
• Strong communication skills.
• Strong design skills.

Preferred Qualifications:

• 1+ years of mechanical engineering industry experience, including owning products from concept to production.
• Experience with conventional machining and rapid prototyping technologies.
• Experience with precision design and manufacturing.
• Experience with advanced imaging techniques.

    Obviously, these things I have nearly no understanding of at the moment, but one of the hires they have (I don't know which department) is Kognise.

    Looking through their website and projects gives me an idea of what I want to do and what I can do at the moment (mostly nothing, which is okay for the time being). Their website and projects show that they have that “exceptional ability” in the fields they are interested in. I only show that “exceptional ability” in the classroom where no one else really knows what they're doing, which is like a big fish in an absolutely tiny pond. I would like to fix this.

    My transition from a big fish in a small pond to a tiny fish in a big pond will not be enjoyable. I will feel like I know absolutely nothing about the fields of computer science, biology, physics, and chemistry which, knowing me, I will despise.

    Knowledge is like that, though. So I've made a quick and tentative list of things I would like to learn and understand beyond a superficial level:

1. Computer Science (Software)
   
2. Computer Engineering (Hardware)
3. Chemistry:
1. Undergrad Chemistry
   
2. Computational Chemistry
3. Graduate Chemistry
   
4. Biology:
1. Undergrad Biology
   
2. Computational Biology
3. Graduate Biology
   
5. Mathematics:
1. Undergrad Math
2. Computational Math
3. Graduate Math
   
6. Physics:
1. Undergrad Physics
   
2. Computational Physics
3. Graduate Physics
   

    I will learn these through not just reading, but doing. So my website can also have a 30 fucking item long list of complete and useful projects I've made. Plus, there are some cool books I've found that I would like to read from cover to cover and understand everything in them.

    I've found some cool places to cover all of them as well. There's this cool website called OpenStax that provides all the necessary literature for these science subjects for free! Which is like yay Open access resources!!

    Next time I'll talk about the Raspberry Pi 4 adventures and what I wanna do with the Pi I was graciously gifted :3

 

Read More

hello world

    today is the day i start a new blog. what's this one about? probably everything i've every wanted to talk or yap or teach people about from cool ideas to rants to projects i'm working on (i just want adsense money)

    enjoy yourselves!! byeee!!!!!

Read More